Sweet Nothings
by carter can have you
Summary: UPDATED! Angstridden Carby Season 11 Saga, isn’t that what you all want!There are specific spoiler warnings for each chapter when necessary : Carter Abby
1. Default Chapter

**Title**:

**Author**: Ingrid aka 'Cartercanhaveyou'

**E-mail**: 

**Rating**: PG-13

**Description**: Angstridden Carby, isn't that what you all want?!

**Spoilers**: Set straight after season 10, so all of season 10 WILL be discussed, but no spoilers from season 11 will be unspoiled, I promise. This is just a take on where things could have gone.

**Summary**: Kem's gone, Carters just trying to pick up the pieces of his life and start over from where he left off. Starts where season 10 left off.

**Disclaimer**: None of the characters or settings are my own, I just like to borrow them and play around with their lives now and then. Also the title and lyrics used are borrowed, see the author's notes for details.

**Author's Note**: Hello, I hope you enjoy this, I basically had two different pathways when writing 'This Years Love' in this one, he doesn't bump into Abby at the airport, he heads straight home form the airport. I think I prefer this one in some ways, its far more angsty though, Carter is really hurting right now. To be honest 'This Years Love' is finished, as I think the ending of the last chapter pretty much wrapped up, and I'm not sure where it could go, that I'd really want to write. Anyway I'll stop babbling and let you read on... any thoughts/feelings, review please, I love constructive criticism as much as compliments, I only want to improve. Feel free to email me a review, or whatever. I just hope it doesn't suck too much :-p

**What now?**

He pushed the door shut behind him, pulling out the key, he let it fall to the floor along with his shoulder bag. It had been a long flight and he was exhausted. He didn't turn on any lights, it was late, he was tired, and the harsh lighting from the bulbs would just hurt his eyes. _I meant to get lampshades_, he thought. _But I was too preoccupied with life_. He went upstairs. Walked into the first room he came to and opened the windows again, breathing in the cool air, he felt suffocated. He sat down on the floor, and looked around, hugging his knees to him, his eyes adjusting to the light. He knew where he was, he saw the walls covered in bright pictures of animals, the cot still smelling of new paint, the mobile swinging in the breeze. He shut his eyes, before they noticed anything else. The traffic was pretty bad down town, he could hear it from here, a few blocks away. He could hear ambulance sirens, maybe there had been an accident. He couldn't take listening to that. He stood up and shut the windows. His other hand brushing something onto the floor, he heard a gentle snap. He turned the dimmer switch just enough, so he could see what had fallen. It was an ornament. Of a tiger, Kem had bought it, for the nursery. Its back leg had snapped off in the fall. It had been delicate, and now it was broken, just after one fall, it hadn't been very strong in the first place, he mused, or perhaps he had been too careless. He put it back on the window ledge, and walked out of the room. Shutting the door behind him. He went down the stairs, and bent down, fumbling for his keys. He opened the front door, hauled his shoulder bag over his left shoulder, and walked out the house. He didn't recall having opened any windows, let alone think of shutting them before leaving. It didn't matter anyway, nothing in there meant anything to him, and he would not go back there. He would call his estate agent tomorrow, but he could not stay there tonight. He walked along the street and to the nearest El station.


	2. Part one ‘I’m just a call away’

**Part one 'I'm just a call away'**

**Author's Note**: This follows straight on from the prologue.

The voices in italics and underlined are a conversation about Carby, maybe they're voices in Carter's head, maybe two ER fans watching my little episode, or two members of Coffee and Pie dissecting what is going on in their marvellous analytical ways, whoever they are, they're trying to make you think, and they help me write things better. Oh, please R&R if you can, whether you like it or not, thanks to those who did for the default chapter, I thought I'd upload two this time as they are still relatively short.

'_Shouldn't he call first'_

'_No, of course not, its Abby, why would he need to call?'_

'_Um, hellooo? He has barely spoken to her in the past year, and then after all that has happened, he's just going to show up at her door?'_

'_No, but she's still his friend right?' _

'_Why not go to Luka's?' _

'_Luka is working, he knows that much.' _

'_Well what if she is?'_

'_She wont be. Or maybe she will. Yes. Yes he should call.'_

He can hear her pick up the phone.

'Hello?' her voice is husky.

'I'm sorry, it's late,' he starts

'Is this Carter?' she can hardly recognise his phone voice, the last time they spoke on the phone was a long, long time ago, but it didn't sound like anyone else she knew.

'Yes, its Carter' he sounded apologetic, and really, really tired, she was confused.

'What are you doing calling me so late?' She didn't sound irate or angry, he was surprised.

'Well I know it's a long shot, and very presumptuous of me to ask, but is there a couch at yours I could use for tonight?'

'Uh, I don't understand, are you locked out or something? I thought you were in the Congo, where's Kem?' _oops_, she thought, _that just slipped out. Too personal maybe?_

'Well we broke up, but I thought everyone knew, and I did go over to the Congo, but I'm back and well... yes I am locked out, and Luka's at work, and I couldn't think of anyone else.' _He's rambling_, she thought. _He must be tired_.

'Sure, whatever'

'Look, if its too much trouble, I'll just get a room in a motel or something, I know it's late'

'No, don't do that, come on over, how long will you be?'

'Um, 15 minutes, I'm on the El.'

'Ok, see you then' she glanced at her watch, it was almost one, not that late, by an ER doc's standards, she chuckled inwardly at the fresh thought of being an ER doctor herself. But then her mind backtracked to Carter, _why come over here? Because he was locked out? He wasn't the type to get locked out, or was he?_ She hardly knew him anymore, and that made her so upset. That such a strong a friendship between two people could be torn in two.


	3. Part two 'After all this time'

Authors note- here's part two, hope its alright, I'm not sure whether its right to italic the characters thoughts or if I've done it right, but it looks ok to me. Let me know if there's anything I can improve on please. Enjoy!

**Part two- After all this time**

The knock on the door made her jump, even though she was expecting him. She opened the door a little, to check. It was him. He was looking down at the floor, but looked up quickly.

'Hey' she greeted him softly with a smile.

God, look at her, wrapped up in her dressing gown, her hair all mussed up...

'Hello Abby' he hadn't said her name in a long time. Abby, Abby, Abby, it rolled nicely off of the tongue.

'I know its strange, after all this time, just calling up in the middle of the night, but I needed some place to stay, for tonight, and well, I thought you would understand that.' He paused. 'I hoped you would.'

She made a face, and opened the door properly, standing aside for him to come in.

_Is she hurt? _He wondered_, oh I shouldn't have come._

'Sure, Carter, we're still friends. But since tonight I haven't heard from you in weeks, spoken to you in months, we haven't REALLY talked, you know properly, since well... you know'

'I shouldn't have come, god why did I do this? I'm so sorry, I should have gotten a motel room.' He looked distraught, focusing on the door, he thought about leaving, but for some reason he didn't really want to. She regarded him curiously, _he's acting rather strangely, is he drunk?_

'Maybe you should have Carter, but you didn't. And you're here now, so I'll make some coffee okay?'

'You can call me John you know.'

She knew she could have, but she didn't like his tone. Compared to how close they used to be, he seemed like a stranger to her, and it wouldn't be right, would it?

She looked up at him, with her 'not now' look in her eyes, and he flinched. It seemed he could still read her like a book, and sometimes she could still read him in that way too.

'Sorry, that was harsh of me. Yes, please, I would love some coffee.'

He threw his bag down and took off his shoes. Hung his coat on the hanger.

She put the kettle on and prepared two cups, before sitting down on the couch beside him. She looked around, didn't know what to say. She noticed his stuff on the floor, as he had chucked it down, his keys had slid out of his bag and were lying there on the floor. She was staring at them. He noticed what she was looking at and froze. _Oh shit, will she ask me why I pretended to be locked out? Will she think I have some kind of hidden agenda? What the hell am I doing here?_


	4. Part three 'I missed you too'

A/N Wow, I almost forgot about this story, hope you don't hate me, but I'll make up for it, I'll upload the next two chapters!!!

**Part three- I missed you too**

But she didn't say anything, maybe she hadn't noticed them,

'So, how was the Congo?'

'Unbearable' he replied simply

'It must be hot out there this time of year.'

'Yeah, hot too.'

Oh, she thought, what was he referring to as unbearable then? Ah, the break-up.

The kettle started to whistle, she quickly scooted over to it and poured hot water into both mugs, and brought them over.

They chatted for a few minutes whilst sipping the hot coffee, just idle chitchat. But it made them feel more relaxed.

'So are you going to come back to work?'

'Yeah, I will, I have a week off though, I think that'll be good for me.'

After they had finished their drinks, Abby got some pillows and blankets, and they made a bed for him on the couch. Laughing, they spent the whole time fighting over the blankets and sat down in stitches when they had done, it didn't feel weird, it just felt like two old friends catching up. The couch was a mess, but Carter didn't care where he slept really.

Suddenly they stopped laughing and came over all serious, looking each other in the eye.

'John,' she said his name.

'How did you get locked out if you had your keys?'

'I didn't, you know I didn't. I'm sorry, I just couldn't spend the night in that house. And I would have called Luka, but he really was at work, and I didn't come here for anything, other than a couch, but you have been very welcoming, considering I don't deserve it'

'It's okay, I understand'

'I know you do'

They were silent, he wanted her to say something but he didn't know what, but he looked at her face in the soft light, thought how beautiful she was, how glad he was that he came, in the end.

'I missed you Abby.' He reached over for her hand, but she withdrew it.

She looked confused and hurt, she was annoyed, why had she let him in anyway? How could bring himself to just call her up, expecting somewhere to stay, after everything he had done. What did he think, Coffee and Pie would solve everthing? Make her forget how he had made her feel? What an asshole.

'Look Carter, I don't know why you came, I don't know what you're trying to do, but coming on to me isn't going to help. What the hell do you want from me?'

He recoiled. That had truly been the last thing on his mind.

She didn't want an answer to her question, but didn't know what else to say.

She stood up and wrapped her arms around herself, as if she was protecting herself from the cold. It wasn't even that cold. Her eyes looked as if she was about to cry.

'Abby, I'm sorry. Just go to sleep, when I came here tonight all I wanted from you was your kind offer of a bed and most of all, your friendship. And that's how it is right now. I'll go.' He got up and within seconds had his coat shoes and bag on, the door open. He looked over at her,

'I'm sorry Abby, so sorry. For everything, tonight, and the past year, but I can't go on knowing you don't even want to be my friend'

She shut her eyes and pressed her lips together, thinking.

She opened them again. He was gone.

'I missed you too' she spoke into the empty room, almost choking on her own words. She went over to shut the door, he hadn't even stayed long enough to shut it.

Then she went to bed.

'I missed you too' 

Thank god she hadn't checked the hall before shutting the door, she would have seen him, crouched a couple of doors down, his head in his hands.

She missed me, he thought.

She missed me.


	5. Part four 'Drug seeker's allowance'

Part four- drug seekers allowance 

_A week later_

'Carter! Welcome back!'

It was Susan, he smiled to himself and turned around to see that he was right. He finished sorting out the stuff in his locker and went over to embrace her.

'God you're huge!' he exclaimed.

'Stop it, I get that all the time, I'm surprised Kerry hasn't called maintenance down here to widen the exam room doors.'

He chuckled, he'd missed Susan, his old ER pal with her spunky sense of humour.

'So, when's it due?'

'More like when WAS it due?!!' she joked ' Any day now'

'So why are you in?'

' I can't stay at home, as soon as I sit down for ten minutes it starts giving me hell.' She opened the fridge to search for some juice.

'Chuck or the baby?!'

'Both!!!'

His pager went off.

'Weaver. Typical. I've been on one minute.'

'Take it easy okay, he called over his shoulder

'You too' she was worried about him, but Carter always came through right? She hoped he would this time.

Abby hadn't spoken to anyone about what had happened a week ago, she hadn't felt the need, it was all just a silly misunderstanding. She hadn't done much this week, went out with Neela once, she'd gone out on a blind date too, _that_ was a big mistake, the next time Susan sets me up with a biker Ex, say 'No Way! She filed the mental note in with all her other anti-blind date ones. She tried to concentrate on what she was doing, ah yes, the kid on the table had swallowed a key. She slid the X-ray film out from the keeper, and turned on the light. She looked really closely, but couldn't make out any keys.

'When did this happen, sir?' She asked his father.

'I don't remember exactly, I was fixing up some dinner and he started screaming that he felt sick, I can't watch him every minute you know?!'

The guy was getting angry now, Abby hated these moments, when parents interpreted her doing her job as some kind of personal insult against them, as if she was gonna report them to social services or something.

Suddenly Carter burst through the double doors, talk about making an entrance, Abby thought.

'Weaver said you could use a little help' he offered.

'No, I'm good thanks, doing fine here' I replied

'Fine, well that's good, I'll uh, leave you to it then' and he was out of the door as fast as he arrived.

I let out the deep breath I had taken and got back to work, at least it wasn't as bad as it could have been I thought.

_9 and a half hours later_

'The boards almost clear, just three more charts left, ok who wants what?' Susan exclaimed. We'd been slammed all day, but things had started to quieten down at around ten pm, thank god.

'Whatcha got?' asked Pratt.

'Yeast infection in one, abdominal pain in two and, oh frequent flyer in chairs wants some vicodin.'

'Wow, now that's exciting. I'll take the abdominal pain, at least it won't be too gross or smelly.' Pratt flipped through the chart, making his way to exam two.

Great I thought, better choose before I get left with the yeast infection,

'C'mon Carter, this is what you went to Med-school for now, take your pick'

Susan, sarcastic as ever held out the charts in front of me. I grabbed the drug-seekers chart and went over to find him, leaving Susan to deal with the other one.

Flipping the chart over I saw that the guy's name was Mr Harris, I called his name out until a guy in his late twenties stood up, and I led him to a curtain area.

A quarter of an hour later I have come to the conclusion that the guy isn't in pain, just wants drugs, I'd like to think my diagnosis is valid, I know how it feels, when all you want is the medication, all you want is to make this feeling go away. I decided to take a couple of tests, just to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, I can't cover every single problem by asking him questions. So I tell him I can't give him anything until his tests come back and head back to admit. Abby is there, she's partly hidden behind a pile of charts and is sipping some coffee, oh what the hell, I figure if I don't speak to her now I'll never get the chance. I pause for a second to steal a proper look at her, she looks exhausted, but alwaysstill pretty in her own special brand of the word, pretty Abby.It has been a long day for her. I remember what it was like being an intern, god, that was about nine years ago now, what was I like then? And all I can think is that I was so very, very different from the person I am now.

A/N so, I hope you don't hate it, ofc if you do just review and I can only improve. Anything you don't understand or want to say don't hesitate to let me know, this fic's fun to write!

In the next chapter, Cater and Abby get a little Coffee and Pie!


	6. Part five 'Why don't you let me in anymo...

A/N – yeah, okay, its two months later in the real world because i have beenv. busy and therefore awful at keeping update here i apologise profusely, as a Jane Austin novle would say, this is continuing from where chapter 4 stopped, you might want to re-read that and recap… Just imagine the first few episodes of season ten have happened ok, and if you're currently spoiler free, don't worry I haven't spilled!

Part five - Why don't you let me in no more?

I look up from what must be my ten-thousandth chart to find Carter simply staring at me, well in my direction, but he definitely isn't in the present in his head. He looks like he's somewhere else; somewhere better than this. He's so out of it he doesn't even see me looking back at him;

'Hey' I call, but he's still in his little daze. Wow, I think he really must be some place good, I'm envious, but not _that_ envious, I need his help.

'Hey! Carter.' I call a little louder this time, he snaps out of it.

'Huh, W-what? Oh Abby, hey'

He looks as if I just woke him up when he was having the dream of his life.

'Sorry, did I interrupt you?'

'No, not really, I was just reminiscing.'

'Oh yeah, what about?' I'm interested.

'Oh nothing special, did you need something?'

'Yeah, could you co-sign these charts for me?'

'Absolutely, I have a break now, do you want to get some coffee after?

'I'm not sure if that's such a great idea' I say, after some hesitation.

He looks at the charts, and after checking through them, he signs each one, putting them back down, he looks up at me with a look of concern on his face.

'Well, I do, I really want to talk with you. I thinks its important'

'Ok then,' if he puts it that way.

We go into the lounge without saying a word to each other, both putting our lab coats away and grabbing our jackets.

He opens the door for me.

'John Carter ever the gentleman, it seems old habits die hard with you'

'Abby Lockhart, sarcastic as always' he returns.

'Maybe people never change' I say.

'huh' he mutters.

'You said that once before, remember? When we were together'

'Yeah, I do,' It was that night when he bought out a restaurant in town.

We go through the hospital, walking past admit, and out the doors.

'Do you still believe that's true?' he asks, I'm confused.

'What's true?'

'That people never change'

'No, no I don't. Well not completely anyway' Things really did change after that night, I think, it took a couple of weeks, but they really did. Everything I had built up in my life seemed to slowly come crashing down, where had I made the mistake?

'How'd you mean?'

'Well, in the last ten months, I have changed, for a start. I'm a doctor now, Susan has, she's with Chuck, and about to have a baby, Luka's practically with Sam, and she has Alex you know, that's a big deal for him. You have changed too, don't you think?'

'What happened with the pregnant girl earlier anyway?' Carter changed the subject, it annoyed me, but I thought I'd better try to keep our conversation running smoothly.

'Oh, I got her to make an appointment with Dr Seganti upstairs, and told her to make sure she was sure about her decision'

'Did you tell her to speak to her boyfriend? He has to know!'

'Look Carter, I did what I did ok, it's her decision and I respect it.'

'You don't think she should tell him, do you?' he accused.

'Look, it's not my decision, besides I have to respect her privacy, I shouldn't have even discussed it with you'

'You needed a second opinion, there's no harm in that, I just feel that if someone I was in love with was pregnant, I would want to know about it, whether or not they wanted to keep it.

We walked down the street, it was fairly warm actually, I didn't really need my coat.

'Do you want to know what I was thinking about, earlier?'

'When?'

'Just now when you were doing your charts, and I was kinda in a daze…'

'oh yeah, what?'

'I was thinking about was I was like nine years ago, when I was an intern…'

'Nine years ago!' I exclaimed, I couldn't believe that he was professionally where I am now, so long ago, it was hard to believe.

We stepped into Ikes and ordered, when the beverages came we sat down.

'Go on, carry on saying what you were going to say about nine years ago'

'Well, I had just finished med-school and I was a surgical sub-intern'

'Wait a minute, surgery?' I didn't get it. We used to talk about everything, but he had never said anything about that before, we hadn't talked much about the past.

'Yeah, I wanted to be a surgeon, it didn't work out though, basically I had a problem with not getting to interact with patients, Benton always used to complain that I cared too much, I guess that's why I switched to the ER'

'Oh, okay'

'But what I was really thinking about was the person I used to be, I used to be so happy, and caring, and fun-loving. I used to enjoy speaking to people at work so much, I guess it was an outlet for me.'

'You still are caring, one of the most caring men I know' I couldn't believe he had never confided in me about this before.

'But I don't feel like I am the same person, like as if I have become completely detached from the person I once was.'

'What changed? How long have you felt this way?'

'Every time something bad happens, it seems I can't recover completely, a part of me dies, and now, so many bad things have happened I don't know who I am any more…' he trailed off, I took a sip of my coffee, taking in his words it was watery, but nice and warm.

'Look Abby, about the other night, well last week it was now, I'm sorry. What happened was so silly, a complete misunderstanding'

'I understand, I felt awkward I suppose, we haven't really talked for so long, I wasn't sure what to say to you, or how to feel'

'I understand, I feel that way too, I did miss you, ya know, your friendship, you were my best friend and I'd hate to think that things have changed so much that we can never recover that, the other night, I suppose I just needed someone to talk to'

'I agree, we'll just have to make amends, and make sure that doesn't happen!'

'Sure,'

'And speaking as a friend, a worried friend, I think maybe you need to spend a little more time looking after yourself.'

'I know, people keep saying this, but it's so hard to think about myself when all I can think about is…'

'Well maybe you need someone to help look after you'

'Maybe…'

He thought about it, and looked up at her face, she was so supportive, he didn't deserve her, he thought.

'You mean you, don't you'

He asked coyly raising his eyebrows with a cheeky smirk. Ah she thought, there's the Carter we all know and love, even if he is troubled at the moment, there are traces of him still left, and we can cling on to those.

'Uh-huh' she returned the cheeky grin.

'Abby Lockhart, Long-suffering friend, coffee break sharer and interfering minx' he proclaimed.

'Hey! Don't forget the 'M.D'!' she retorted.

'Before I left Chicago a year ago, I thought I had lost myself, so I went out there, but in the end, the biggest loss was you Abby, not just as my girlfriend, but as my friend, because that's what you were, even when we were together, you were my best friend, and I miss that, I missed having someone to talk to like we used to talk'

Woah, that was a revelation.

'But you had Luka'

'True, but even so, we're not that close, and he didn't understand me the way you do, nobody could'

'John, I don't feel as if I do anymore, you know I'm not so good at living up to people expectations.' I said with a hint of despair in my voice.

'Well, that's my fault, I stopped letting you.' He resolved.

We share a smile, our fingers hugging our coffee cups, but the biggest warmth I can feel is in my heart, because he's back, my best friend is back.


	7. Part six 'Sobering up over broken dreams...

Part six.- sobering up over broken dreams

**Spoiler info - **Set after episode two of season eleven, 'Damaged' which for the information of the spoiler free, HAS been shown in both the US and UK now. Basically I am putting a spin on it, and making the right decision for Carter.

Since I opened my heart out to Abby, we've talked some more, had a couple of breaks together here and there, I'm starting to get over Kem, well actually, it's not actually Kem I need to get over, but the idea of her. I thought we would be together, make a perfect family, but in reality nothing is ever perfect. This beautiful and delicate mental image I had crystallised of Kem and I, even that shattered into tiny shards of glass, painful pieces coming back to me now and then and cutting deeper. I had so many dreams of our life together, but that's all they were, dreams. The thing is that with dreams, you can create your own alternate versions of reality, seemingly better ones too, but in real life, conversations aren't scripted and perfect feelings aren't always how they should be. After we lost the baby, well I tried to keep up the façade, but Kem certainly wasn't having any of it, in both my dreams and reality I built our lives around the baby, and then he died, and it only highlighted every thing that was wrong with our relationship. Talk about doing it for the kids. I don't regret what happened; it felt right, but now I'm moving on, trying to better myself.

Life's not without its hitches though, I can tell you that, turning up to the hospital drunk, that wasn't such a great move.

_Previously…_

I walk away from the admit desk, well, actually walk is a bit of exaggeration there, more like swagger, god on hindsight I can't believe I came into the hospital drunk and said all that to that patient, how embarrassing.

Abby comes up to me, she has my phone, and wants to know if I want to go to a meeting with her. It's a sobering thought in itself, but It'd probably be a good idea, but not as good as another drink right now.

'You can't show up drunk Abby, _you _told me that once, remember.'

She ignores harshness of what I just said.

'You have SUCH a good memory Carter' she replies scathingly, with a rather unamused look upon her pretty face.

Having lost many of my inhibitions, I reach up with my forefinger and stroke her cheek, her skin is so soft and pure against mine, it makes me feel dirty in comparison. 'You are pretty, Abby, especially in this light.' Her eyes catch mine, which are dancing in their drunkenness, hers are fixed at me, only slightly softened by the compliment.

I look up and motion to the bright factory-type strip lights.

'This light!' she asks incredulously, looking upwards. 'You sure are drunk, Carter. And you look tired, how bout you go take a nap in the lounge and I'll come wake you when my shift is over.

I consent, and drag my sorry ass over to the lounge, before crashing on one of the sofas.

A/N well I hope that wasn't too boring for you, I just wanted to get Carters feelings straight. Now you know how Carter feels, but you will get to find out what happen at the AA meeting in the next chapter.

I wrote this ages ago and forgot thatI hadn'tuploaded it yet, sorry- butI'll upload chapter 7 too...I'm liking this story and I want to continue with it, but if you have any suggestions or ideas for me I would really appreciate it! Oh and excuse the crystal imagery at the start, I knew what I wanted to say but I'm not sure if it came out the right way.


	8. Part seven 'Moving on'

Moving on

A/N as you probably all know by now I am the queen of short chapters, but I personally like short (manageable to both read and write) chapters, and hopefully quality rather than quantity, so it works better for me that way. Anyway, this'll probably be either very short or just short. LMAO, okay, here goes. Continuing on from the last chapter…

The streets are pretty dark by the time I leave, and I can barely make out the street signs let alone people coming towards me, I guess I am perhaps still a little drunk. I smile to myself wryly and shake my head. 'How did I end up here?' I ask.

But I am all alone.

I'm not looking where I'm going, not that it would help If I were, and suddenly this young woman comes colliding into me, I reach for her arms to steady her, look into her face and say 'Sorry'.

It's Kem.

'Hi John, I'm sorry' she is visibly shocked at me presense.

'How are you? What are you up to?'

'I'm going to meet a friend, we're going to a meeting together' that's about all I can manage.

'A meeting?' This is why were not together I think, I didn't tell her all the bad stuff about me, I didn't want to risk what we had so I pretended I was perfect.

'Don't worry, um, more to the point what are doing in these parts?' Now is SO not the time to be explaining things to this woman, so I decide to be friendly.

'Oh well, I came to be alone, to think, and well, I was thinking of paying you a visit'

'Why would you do that?' I give her a look of disbelief.

She recoils from my hands, which still seem to be holding her arms, on hindsight maybe that came out a little harshly.

'I wasn't sure if I was still over you or not, I have regrets John, I wanted to be sure we didn't throw something special away.' Oh god now I am mad.

'You threw it away Kem, not 'we' YOU did' my voice is a little raised, but I don't want to make a scene, she wouldn't like that. 'It's ok Kem, we're not together and I get that, you left me and I'm taking the appropriate steps to regain my life' Jeez, I sound like I'm quoting the AA meeting leader here.

'But John, I love you.'

Exasperated, I reply 'I loved _you_ Kem, I _proposed_! I heard nothing from you until now and you tell me this! I've forced myself to believe that I'm better off by myself, I've realised our relationship couldn't last, but I did love you Kem, I gave you everything, I loved you and our son with all of my heart, and nothing will ever change that.'

Shes silent, her expression twisted with upset and shame, her tears are softly falling.

'I never meant to upset you Kem' I reach up to gently wipe her tears away, speaking softly.

'but I really need some time, away from all the pain of the past few months, to find out who I am right now, and who I want to be.'

She blinks away her tears, clears her throat and says 'and that person John, will he ever want me as part of his life?'

'Not romantically Kem no, but I do care for you and I do want us to remain friends, how could I forget what we went through.' I kiss her cheek as a parting goodbye, turn and walk away. Not looking back, I don't want to see her crying, I am not looking back…

xXx xXx

'mmmm no loinnng bakkk'

I turn around as I wrap my coat around me and fasten it, hearing this muffled voice coming from the couch, it's Carter, waking up.

'Good timing, I just clocked out'

He looks up at me, his face quite a mess actually his eyes are all swollen and red.

'You okay?'

He looks at me, dazed.

'Uh, yeah… crappy dream that's all.'

'Lets go then!' I say breezily, hoping to infuse him with my goodwill and maybe cheer him up.

We walk out together, me looking and feeling exhausted, him looking and feeling dishevelled and knackered also.

A/N – so I had a change of plan as I started to write, the next chapter will deal with the actual meeting, I just felt like a really hefty anti-CarKem dialogue to thoroughly confuse Carter.


	9. Part eight 'Tell me we're gonna be okay'

A/N So its Easter break and I'm full of Chocolate and after posting on C&P for a couple of hours I'm feeling rather fuzzified… crazed experimentative Fanfiction ensues ;-) normally with disjointed alternate POV's which will utterly confuse.

**Chapter 8- Tell me we're gonna be okay…**

We finally arrive at the community hall entrance, where the meeting is, the El ride was okay, Carter asked me a couple of questions about the meeting and I told him a little about it, I like it a lot, its fairly large, but seeing as I'm not the type to share, that doesn't bother me. Its central location means that you get a lot of people coming from different backgrounds and that's what I like about it, the variety.

X X X

Okay, coming up to the entrance I get scared, Abby talked a little about the meeting and said it was big, but as we get through the door I realise, there's got to

be about 150 people in here, Christ maybe this was too soon.

I'm scared, I grab her hand, my eyes meet hers immediately and she must sense the worried look they have in them, because she squeezes my and hand and smiles ressuringly. 'I don't know if I'm ready for this Abby, tell me we're gonna be okay' I ask in a jokey way, trying to keep my mind off of the situation.

X X X

He_surely_ remembers the time I asked him that very same question, and in a risktaking mood,I offer thecorresponding answer.

'We're gonna be okay…'

I look round and lead him to the first two empty seat, not to close to the front, we sit down, 'We're gonna be okay'

I squeeze his hand again before letting go while I take my coat off, and looking at his face I realise hes blushing a little, equally embarrassed I change the topic we chat a little for the next few minutes before the meeting commences.

X X X

And I smile back, thinking over what I just asked of her, realising its context in our relationship and feeling embarrassed thatI forgot, and that I even said it. But in that moment I trust her and I believe her, I think it will be okay as long as I have her support.

**A/N** What can I say, I couldn't help myself, don't blame me, it was the chocolate!

I wanted to say thanks for the positive reviews, its encouraging to hear that people like what i have written enough to ask for more :)

Oh, just to make sure you guys don't get confused, this is still part of the flashback initiated in part 6 (confusingly enough chapter 7- 'Sobering up over broken dreams') Anyway the flashbackwill last just one or two more chapters, depending on how it progresses.


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